(via coooliestt)
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BPD through my eyes
- constantly questioning if my friends hate me
- ignoring my friends and family because I don’t deserve any
- staying silent around people in fear I’ll say the wrong thing or no one will care
- not being able to keep a job more than 6 months because they become boring
- feeling like I’m not myself and I know nothing about myself
- changing what I want to do with my life before I even start anything
- abandoning anyone that gets too close
- scared that everyone will abandon me and they hated me all along
- using drugs because fuck it
- thinking that I hate the people I care about when I’m angry
- hurting myself and carving negative words into my arms
- losing my appetite for days and wanting to be thinner when I know I’m thin
- obsessing over people and thinking of them every damned day
- ruining all my friendships by pretending to not exist
- hiding in my house until I feel as if the walls are closing in and driving my self crazy
- not showing up for interviews
- sleeping in my car and disappearing from anyone I know for awhile
- being scared to be alone but canceling on all my plans
- blocking and unblocking people
- thinking you’re the biggest piece of shit in the world and loving you unconditionally a few moments later
- scared that everytime you leave you might die while you’re gone
- trying to get close with my siblings but only sometimes
- having sex and then discarding people afterwards (not anymore I’m trying to make my relationship work this time)
- starting to talk to people and thinking I may actually like them and then leaving without explanation
- cheating on past partners or getting involved with people in relationships
- constantly questioning my sexuality and changing it
- making decisions before I think about any of it
- thinking about marriage but then being scared off because of my commitment issues
- working my ass off for what I thought I wanted but still feeling empty
- doing things I don’t even like because I want to be a certain way or feel good about myself
- denying I’m depressed when people ask but wanting to talk to someone about it
- thinking about getting professional help but not being able to go through with it
- looking in the mirror and thinking I look cute but only moments later I’ll never look good enough
- never living up to my own standards because I have to be perfect even though I’m nothing
- constantly questioning my past decisons and if I’d be happier If I changed everything
- feeling completely content for a couple hours or days and then hating my whole life and wanting to die
- denying that anything is wrong with me and then accepting my mental illness sometimes
- striving to do better just to completely self destruct when I make something for myself
- calling the people I love horrible names in my head when I’m mad because it would be too cruel to say
- telling myself I hate hate hate someone when most the time I love them
- having people say I’m manipulative when I never had the intention
- being clingy then distant then clingy
- making plans and apologizing for not being around as much just to not show up without warning
I hate the things I do, I wish I would be consistent with people because I end up hurting them. I make impulsive decisions without even briefly thinking about the outcomes because I just want happiness. Nothing ever makes me necessarily happy or upset it’s back and forth and I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been truly happy before. Or what I like to do. I don’t feel like I’m a real person just a empty shell sometimes. Just floating around completely lost in my own life.
(Source: fisprettyinpunk, via itsbpdthings)
